On the Big Ten Division Names and New Logo

Much has been said about the new, bland nicknames for the Big Ten, and the unexciting new logo that they have introduced for the new-fangled, increasingly-incorrectly-named Big Ten. All of them could be summed up in the following sentence:

Who gives a holy fuck?

However, as I am playing college football analyst in my spare time, I would like to add a few more notes to describe why I don't give a holy fuck about the division names or logo and neither will you in about, oh, six months from now, at the longest.

The Logo

Of all of the concerns that people have regarding the Big Ten, the new logo is the most fundamentally retarded. So let's look at the Big Ten's logo to see what the concerns are.

It's pretty bland. No argument there. It's just some block script with a sort of "10" built into the "Big" part in a fairly unremarkable way. How boring can you get? But really, who cares if the conference logo is boring?

What is a boring logo going to cost the Big Ten? Are conference t-shirt sales going to plummet? Are all those people you see walking around with Big Ten sweatshirts going to avoid buying a new one because of the new logo? Are teams going to leave the Big Ten because they don't want to be associated with the logo? Will players refuse to come to Big Ten schools because the school of their choice doesn't belong to a conference with a sufficiently exciting logo?

Even with the incredible strength of the SEC conference's brand name, I have never seen anybody walking around wearing an SEC t-shirt. People don't follow conferences aside from rooting interests in the non-conference and bowl seasons. But even then, nobody is shaking pom-poms in their conference's colors.

No, the Big Ten logo is not exciting. But it says all it needs to say when it says "Big Ten" in easy-to-read letters. That's all you need to know and all the information anybody really cares about. For that reason, the new Big Ten logo is exactly everything you could want from a logo.

The Division Names

The names of the Big Ten divisions are Leaders and Legends because that's what the Big Ten wanted to evoke in their divisional names: a conference of leaders and legends. Hell, who wouldn't want to do that?

I have read a couple of people write about how silly it's going to sound when describing the current standings in the Big Ten: "The Legends leaders and the Leaders leaders". I, for one, don't worry about coming up with a second word that is synonymous with "leaders", as I can use a thesaurus. I can also come up with different sentence structures that will allow me to avoid using the awkward phrase "Leaders leaders". As I understand that there are several journalists who do not know how to write English, I'm sorry that youare are being forced to learn how.

I have also read in a few places that it would take all of 25 seconds to come up with better divisional names. Okay, I give you 25 seconds. Come up with two divisional names.

Has it been 25 seconds? What did you come up with?

Undoubtedly, most of you came up with the usual joke names like Opie and Andy, Losers and Lamers, Snow and Cold etc. Yes, those are cute. And they allow you to successfully avoid having people make fun of you too. You want to make fun of others, you don't want to make an actual presentation that will have other people make fun of you. "What, that's the best you can do? Just for that I'm changing your name to Douche Bag." So why don't you try again.

Now before you try again, what I need to do is explain some of the things you cannot do when you try to come up with divisional names.

Rule 1: Geography Is Out

Had the Big Ten divided geographically, then this would be a non-issue. It would have been West and East. The problem with that was that the divisions would have been unbalanced. Three major heavyweights in college football history: Michigan, Ohio State, and Penn State would have been in the East, while only one true traditional heavyweights would have been in the West. That would have made things a bit rough on Michigan State, Purdue and Indiana, who would have had to run a wicked gauntlet every year if they wanted to make it to the Big Ten championship game. Yes, Penn State has had some struggles and Michigan has been down the last three years, but it's not like you can expect teams in the top 10 of all-time winning percentage to fall off the map forever.

How about Great Lakes and Great Plains? Two distinct features of the Midwest region that the Big Ten covers... that's pretty good, right? Hrrrrrrmmmmmm, not exactly. For one, most of the Big Ten states border the Great Lakes, and there are really only two states that are part of the Great Plains. Admittedly, both Great Plains states are in the same division, but it's not exactly geographically correct, and the Big Ten name alone is confusing enough. It's not like the Atlantic Coast Conference with the Atlantic and Coastal divisions, whose names apply pretty well to everybody there.

How about the names of the territories from which the states in the Big Ten were formed: the Northwest Territory and the Louisiana Territory? So Northwest and Louisiana Divisions. Do I even need to describe how confusing that would be?

What about major rivers in the region? There's the Ohio, the Missouri and the Mississippi. Okay, I give up, let's try something else.

Rule 2: No Names of People Hailing From Current Big Ten Schools

You need to avoid using the names of legendary players or coaches from any of the current Big Ten schools. Hayes and Schembechler would be obvious, as would Fielding Yost and Paul Brown divisions, or Tom Harmon and Archie Griffin. With the premier programs of the Big Ten's past—Michigan and Ohio State—in separate divisions, that would make that work pretty well. Except...

There are ten other schools in the Big Ten that are NOT Ohio State and Michigan. Giving each division a name for a person from a specific school gives that school an overstated prominence in the new Big Ten. The conference should not give added weight to specific schools, because ten other schools are then treated like afterthoughts. Afterthoughts who are pretty proud of the things that they have done and the people who have been associated with their respective universities.

Off the top of my head, I can name a few people they could be proud of. Illinois has had some legends in its own days: Red Grange and Dick Butkus come first to mind. So has Michigan State: Duffy Daugherty and Bubba Smith. Iowa had Nile Kinnick and Hayden Fry. Purdue had Bob Griese. Indiana... well, I can't remember anybody from Indiana, but I'm just going off the top of my head here. Nor Northwestern, recent history aside (Pat Fitzgerald, Darnell Autry, Gary Barnett, and so on). Minnesota had Bernie Bierman. Wisconsin had Alan Ameche and Elroy "Crazylegs" Hirsch. Those are just the names I came up with on the spot; had I done more research, I probably could have come up with a pretty lengthy list of legendary players from all those schools.

Oh, and let's not forget the two newest members of the Big Ten: Penn State and Nebraska. They have some pretty lengthy resumes themselves. No, most of their histories weren't created in the Big Ten (Penn State has a little, Nebraska has none as of yet), but these are two legendary programs that aren't going to want second billing just because they are newbies.

In short, avoid school-specific individuals, because then you are alienating most of the members of your conference.

Rule 3: If You Can Come Up With Two Names From The University of Chicago, Be My Guest

How about the University of Chicago as a source for divisional names? They are members of the Big Ten's academic alliance, thanks to the fact that they are former members of the Big Ten, but stopped competing in Big Ten sports because they didn't think they could continue competing very well. What makes Chicago such a nice option is that they are essentially neutral territory.

Let's look at two legendary names in Chicago football: Amos Alonso Stagg and Jay Berwanger. One is among the most successful and winningest coaches of all time, and the other is the first Heisman Trophy winner. Bang, done!

Except that one thing: Berwanger. "We're in the Berwanger Division.", "Berwanger champs!", "Berwanger, Berwanger, Berwanger." Look, nothing against the Berwangers families out there in the world, but it's not a name that sound better upon repetition. Stagg sounds good. Berwanger sounds like something you need to get treated. "I was going have surgery to remove my berwanger, but my wife begged me not to."

Okay, what about the Chicago school colors? The Maroon and White Divisions! Don't think that there won't be a lot of jokes around the country about the Big Ten's White Division. Is it safe to assume that Minnesota and Wisconsin would be in that one?

Okay, next up, Nobel Prize winners! The Enrico Fermi and Saul Bellow Divisions. As much as I like both of their accomplishments (Fermi in particular), they don't exactly ring with inspiration. Add in the fact that Fermi helped develop the atom bomb and some people don't enjoy Bellow's prose, and they aren't exactly slam-dunk choices either. It would be nice if Shakespeare and Newton had taught at the University of Chicago, but it's a little late to change that.

What about if we mix some ideas? The Stagg and Maroon divisions! Though "maroon" is used as a synonym for "idiot" in some old Bugs Bunny cartoons, we have some pretty good material there, even if "maroon" doesn't exactly have the visceral punch of Stagg. But you can't say you came up with those, because I already mentioned them. And they are somewhat obscure references, which means that they are not going to go over well with the same general public that you are attempting to appease. Leaders and Legends are generating fewer jokes and fewer quizzical "What the heck is that?" questions than Stagg and Maroon would.

So What's Left?

We don't have any good geographical references, we can't use any person from the current Big Ten members, and the University of Chicago can't give us two truly good names. So what are we left with? Farm produce? Weather phenomena? Famous people in regional history? The Corn and Soy Bean, Snow and Tornado, and Tecumseh and Johnny Appleseed divisional names aren't very reassuring. But that's not my problem, because I'm not the one who said that 25 seconds is all you need to come up with two better names.

So, are you ready for your 25 seconds? You'd better be, because the time starts now.

What awesome divisional names did you come up with that didn't break any of the rules I listed above? If you came up with something better, great! Let Jim Delaney know so that he can change them to your new and thrilling names that will please absolutely everybody and make them love the Big Ten.

As for me, the only other option I have come up with is a format where the naming rights for the divisions are passed from school to school each year. Every year, two different schools select the names of their respective divisions. Every school gets a turn every six years. It may be weird, but it would certainly make things interesting.